I find real life challenging enough.” Something doesn’t smell right about thisįor women who’ve been around longer than 25, 30 years, we know that youth can be brutal, for lots of reasons, and that there’s good reason to grow out of it. “You don’t have to climb a mountain….A challenge is something you have to do, not something you make up. “Climbing mountains is a fake challenge,” she says. In her 2021 docuseries Pretend It’s a City, Fran Lebowitz says this idea that we need to “challenge ourselves” causes people to do ridiculous things for all the wrong reasons. And deciding that only those who choose discomfort will live their best lives is just the kind of self-help porn that makes my eyes roll back in my head, and not in a good way. Because it may not.ĭiscomfort is an experience, not a recipe. But that’s not the same as seeking discomfort for its own sake, or because discomfort itself will deliver growth. Of course we want to challenge ourselves and take risks and grow. But aiming for discomfort misses the point. I understand the appeal, and reality, of facing discomfort - that growing or trying requires effort and risk. Where the “seek discomfort” advice falls short Sure, we may aspire to a higher thread count or a roomier airline seat at some point, but what we want is to feel good about who and where we are. Comfort is how you feel about where you are. Because comfort isn’t just about wealth or privilege (though clearly they play a role). I recognize that privilege.īut that doesn’t mean I have felt comfortable most of my life.
COMFORT ZONE MEANING FULL
I was lucky enough to be born into a comfortable home in suburban New Jersey, where we had central air conditioning and a fridge full of soda, and one of the very first VHS machines. It’s why when things get real tough, we take to our beds and curl up into the fetal position under the swaddle of something we call a “comforter.” So it’s no surprise that we’ve sought whatever shred of comfort we can find - first at our mother’s breast, then in the arms and loving attention of whomever we could find. Rank says the essential work of analysis is “allowing the patient to repeat with better success…the separation from the mother.” In case you wondered what you were doing on a couch for 45 minutes every Tuesday. Being rudely spat out of the warmest, safest environment you would ever know and into the bright, cold, terrifying world, stark naked and soaking wet, was traumatic, and some say we never quite recover from it.Įarly twentieth-century psychoanalyst Otto Rank (a member of Freud’s coterie) claimed, in his book The Trauma of Birth, that all of our anxieties spring from the devastation of being born - which is why we spend our lives trying to return to the womb in whatever way we can. And I mean from the very moment you were born.
You were born uncomfortableĮvery one of us is born into discomfort. I’d like, once and for all, to disabuse you of this idea - and show you what actually contributes to thriving.
This implies that comfort is synonymous with complacency, contentedness, status quo. Don’t tell me you haven’t come across a mug, a shirt, or an embroidered pillow that says “Life begins where your comfort zone ends.” A life coach, a podcaster, a Peloton instructor, someone, has told you that you not only need to leave the comfort zone, but in fact seek discomfort. I prioritize it, in fact.Īnd yet, we’re told, quite often, that we should be aiming for discomfort instead. I’ll go out of my way not to get wet, or hurt, or yelled at. I don’t aspire to roam the wilderness alone, explore sea caves, or leap from a bridge with a rope around my ankle. I like soft, flexible fabrics, ergonomic office chairs, and having my groceries delivered.
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